A Day in the Life of Me

February 21, 2010

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Filed under: General "What's Happening" Stuff,General FUN,Humor,Minnesota — John @ 8:08 pm
Tags:

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%ing slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

December 31, 2008

Not The Passion Of The Christ

Filed under: Athiest,Humor,Religion — John @ 1:46 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

A few days ago, I watching a DVD that my mom got for Christmas called “The God That Wasn’t There”. And on that DVD, they started to talk about how Christians are obsessed with Blood Sacrifice. And they showed some clips from “The Passion of The Christ”. And through out the entire three hour ordeal, there is only six minutes that has no blood or violence. And Christians chose it as the best Jesus movie out of all of Jesus Movies.

And that is not the only evidence that Christians are obsessed with Blood Sacrifice. There is also the song “Are You Washed in the Blood”:

D G D
Have you been to Jesus for the cleansing power?
A7
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
D G
Are you fully trusting in His grace this hour?
D A7 D
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus:
D G
Are you washed in the blood,
D A7
In the soul-cleansing blood of the Lamb?
D G
Are your garments spotless are they white as snow?
D A7 D
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Are you walking daily by the savior’s side?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Do you rest each moment in the Crucified?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus

When the Bridegroom cometh, will your robes be white?
Pure and white in the blood of the Lamb?
Will your souls be ready for the mansions bright
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus

Lay aside your garments that are stained with sin
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb.
There’s a fountain flowing for the soul unclean.
O, be washed in the blood of the Lamb!

And at the end of the Movie there was an interview with the headmaster of a Christian school. And the reporter (The reporter is an Atheist)

Headmaster: “There is never going to be any 100% scientific evidence in our life time, so what we are teaching these kids is a faith issue.”

Reporter: “Well don’t you think that it is wrong that you are teaching children things as if they are facts when you don’t have any evidence that is true?!”

Headmaster: “No it is not wrong, like I said it is a faith issue.”

And then when he couldn’t answer the questions asked by the reporter, he said “You have been dishonest in this interview.” and the reporter said ” how am I not being honest. I called you and said that I would come down here today and would ask you some questions, and I did.” The head master said “You have been dishonest.” Then he just upped and left the room.

Warning: This Video May be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer Discretion is advised

Just Pay attention to the Jesus parts, not the devil parts.

Pretty Gruesome stuff huh.

December 7, 2008

The God Goonie Strikes Again!!!

Filed under: Athiest,Joel Osteen Stuff,Religion — John @ 12:12 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

This morning I woke up at around ten forty five. And as I was flipping through channels, I saw it, I saw Joel Osteen once again. And he is still on about, you can’t talk about your problems, you have to talk to your problems.

“You cant talk to God about how big your problems are, you have talk to your problems about how big your god is.”

I uh, thought it uh, was uh, supposed to be uh, the uh, other way around??? I thought that you WERE supposed to talk to God about your problems so that he can fix it. He is supposed to forgive your mistakes and help you out of your predicaments because he loves you like a father and we are his children. (Assuming God exists anyways.)

I swear, the day that Joel Steen Says something that sounds that sounds like he is NOT high, will be the day that I square dance naked on the twin towers in 2012 while supporting Sarah Palin for President, fall off the building, Billie Joe Armstrong catches me, and I sing a concert with him and get a tattoo that I don’t remember getting the next day when I wake up. Yeah I’m serious.

And as I always say at the end of a Joel Osteen post:

If you want to listen to more of this guys mindless Jesus drivel, check out his book, Joel Osteen’s “Become a Better You” or got to his website Joel Osteen Talk

October 2, 2008

God, The Devil, And Bob

Filed under: Anamations,Humor,Movies,Promotions — John @ 7:58 pm
Tags: , , , , , , ,

WARNING:THIS POST IS ABOUT A SHOW I LIKE THAT IS PARODY OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH! SOME READERS MAY FIND IT OFFENSIVE!

When I went on a trip to see my dad in England, he introduced me to a legendary parody in my book. A DVD called “God, the Devil, and Bob” It is about God coming back with the devil, and the funny part about that is that, you would think that if the Devil and God were together, it would be nonstop fighting, but the funny thing is, that the devil and god have polite conversation walking down the street. And I got you a video off of youtube, just as a little sample of the hilarious parody, take a look:

There you have it. Now go through my link and it will bring you to a lot of other video options for God, The Devil, and Bob! 🙂


God, The Devil, and Bob

The Concept of Hell

Filed under: Religion — John @ 6:47 pm
Tags: , , , , , ,

Recently at school, on my way from Gym Class to Multimedia, and I don’t remember how it came up, but I do know that my friend and I were talking about the concept of god. And as some of you guys already know, I am Atheist, for people who don’t know, yes it is true, WARNING: “I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GOD!!!!!!” and thats what I shouted out (except for the warning part.) Anyways, after I shouted that, a boy heard me and ran up to me. And all the way to Multimedia, he kept repeating the common phrase used by Christians against Atheists: “You’re going to burn in hell!” And Mom and I were talking about that over our hot dog and potato chip dinner, and Mom said “Can you believe some people buy into that crap?!” 😀 Ha, it made me laugh, and then I thought something and I told it to her.

I thought “If the theory that god is our “Heavenly Father”, in other words, we are his children, then he would never let his children “Burn In Hell”. If he is truly our Father, then he would forgive us for our faults, like any parent would. He would not never forgive us if the Christian theory was true. Parents love us unconditionally, so I told Mom, so the concept of the Christian god is either a complete and utter moron, or he’s “Somebody” taken over heaven.” Mike, Lottie, you know who I’m talking about. But it goes to deep into my personal life I won’t write about it on my blog, it’s to personal. Well that’s my opinion on hell, and a little on heaven and god.

Bye Peoples! 😀

September 1, 2008

Hell Exists, I Went There For Lunch

Filed under: Humor — John @ 7:20 pm
Tags: , , , ,

This happened about a month ago but I never blogged it.

Mom and I were going to have lunch at a small Mexican restaurant at the end of our street. And when we got there, two seats down from us was a wailing baby. We were there for about 45 minutes until the baby left. But it felt more like 2 or 3 hours as opposed to the actual 45 minutes. When we got in we ordered our food and it got there in about five minutes. We were eating for another five minutes when the baby stopped crying. I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief but what did I know, my ears where ringing like crazy. But the short mute in the place didn’t last 30 seconds until the baby started up again.

And there was one point when I stood up and put my finger to my lips and went SHHHH! while staring at the baby. But my mom told me to sit back and down.

I was in true hell. And I kid you not at that point people were getting up and leaving with half eaten food plates and asking for their food to-go. Mom and I were mumbling to each other that they need to control their kid, they need to take it outside or leave or something. I then got up to get a gumball, I thought the chewing might tune out the crying or relieve me of my stress. And as I put the quarter in the machine The people with the shrieking baby left the restaurant, and I threw my hands in the air like you do when you’ve won a wresting match. And everybody laughed.

Blog at WordPress.com.