A Day in the Life of Me

February 21, 2010

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

Filed under: General "What's Happening" Stuff,General FUN,Humor,Minnesota — John @ 8:08 pm
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December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. God I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity’s back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she…nuts??? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s damn well lying.

December 24: 6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the #$%ing slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

September 5, 2009

The Minnesota State Fair

Hello Guys, I have not posted anything for almost five months now because I have been very busy. Lots of things have happened in five moths worth blogging about but I didn’t cause’ I’m lazy, LOL. But I am doing one right now.

About two days ago now, which by the way is around 10:00 pm, I just got back from the Minnesota State Fair. Lots of interesting and WET things happend there but I will get to that later. When we first went in there was a needle that stood up about a hundred feet in the air that carried people up to the top and back down again. I didn’t go on it, but it seemed like fun.

I will skip ahead the the best part of the entire trip… THE RIDES!!!!!! I had so much fun! I went upside down, sideways, slant ways and any other ways you can think of! I think that I will leave the rides part at that because I can’t describe it any better than that!

After that and pretty much one of the last interesting parts of the day. While I was sitting eating my hamburger and drinking a root beer (By the way, the 1919 root beer is the best root beer in the FAIR!) I saw my sixth grade Language Arts Teacher Mr. Bodurtha waiting at the door of a BAR. And I thought, hey, my teacher is cool and you know, normal…. COOL!

I walked over there and we had a conversation and a good time. I had SO much fun that day!!!!!

Oh yeah, I told you guys about my WET experiance. My mom, aunt, uncle and I went on a river rafting ride and I GOT DRENCHED! Totally!

But a perfect end to a perfect post. See you guys later.

December 31, 2008

Not The Passion Of The Christ

Filed under: Athiest,Humor,Religion — John @ 1:46 pm
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A few days ago, I watching a DVD that my mom got for Christmas called “The God That Wasn’t There”. And on that DVD, they started to talk about how Christians are obsessed with Blood Sacrifice. And they showed some clips from “The Passion of The Christ”. And through out the entire three hour ordeal, there is only six minutes that has no blood or violence. And Christians chose it as the best Jesus movie out of all of Jesus Movies.

And that is not the only evidence that Christians are obsessed with Blood Sacrifice. There is also the song “Are You Washed in the Blood”:

D G D
Have you been to Jesus for the cleansing power?
A7
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
D G
Are you fully trusting in His grace this hour?
D A7 D
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus:
D G
Are you washed in the blood,
D A7
In the soul-cleansing blood of the Lamb?
D G
Are your garments spotless are they white as snow?
D A7 D
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Are you walking daily by the savior’s side?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?
Do you rest each moment in the Crucified?
Are you washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus

When the Bridegroom cometh, will your robes be white?
Pure and white in the blood of the Lamb?
Will your souls be ready for the mansions bright
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb?

Chorus

Lay aside your garments that are stained with sin
And be washed in the blood of the Lamb.
There’s a fountain flowing for the soul unclean.
O, be washed in the blood of the Lamb!

And at the end of the Movie there was an interview with the headmaster of a Christian school. And the reporter (The reporter is an Atheist)

Headmaster: “There is never going to be any 100% scientific evidence in our life time, so what we are teaching these kids is a faith issue.”

Reporter: “Well don’t you think that it is wrong that you are teaching children things as if they are facts when you don’t have any evidence that is true?!”

Headmaster: “No it is not wrong, like I said it is a faith issue.”

And then when he couldn’t answer the questions asked by the reporter, he said “You have been dishonest in this interview.” and the reporter said ” how am I not being honest. I called you and said that I would come down here today and would ask you some questions, and I did.” The head master said “You have been dishonest.” Then he just upped and left the room.

Warning: This Video May be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer Discretion is advised

Just Pay attention to the Jesus parts, not the devil parts.

Pretty Gruesome stuff huh.

November 17, 2008

Lottie and Sarah Palin: Face to Face….. Oh Crap!

Filed under: Animals,Humor,Politics,Sea Monsters — John @ 9:52 pm
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If you read Lottie’s recent post One More Thing: Palin Blames Boggers, I bet that you would like to hear what Sarah Palin would say in retaliation to this brilliant pop culturist:

Lottie Says:

As for your record, Gov. Palin, it was investigated, and let’s not forget that you first welcomed an investigation, but later tried to derail it when you didn’t like where it was going.

And now you have the nerve to whine and say that your record wasn’t thoroughly investigated, and to top it off, blame legitimate reports on some kid in a basement banging away at a computer?

Way to insult the blogging community as well as the mainstream media! Not to mention the intelligence of the general population, too. Because let’s face it: none of us knows how to verify sources, we’re all bigger buffoons than you and we take at face value anything posted on any blog we happen to stumble across. The mainstream media has no credibility and routinely reports unconfirmed gossip, and people around the world gobble it all up without a second thought. Yes, the entire world has been duped by some pajama-wearing teenage blogger hiding in his parents’ basement.

Give it up! Just because you’re stupid and gullible enough to fall for an obvious prank doesn’t mean the rest of the world is.

There is no conspiracy against you, Gov. Palin! You made your bed and now you are lying in it. So, please, stop your paranoid whining and attempts to blame everyone but yourself for your own failures and shortcomings.

I’d say you were only making yourself look worse, if I thought that were even possible.

If you learned nothing else from this experience with the big, scary world of the lower 48, I would have expected you to learn just how little you actually know and that the rest of the world isn’t completely stupid. In other words: I would have expected you to learn when to shut the hell up.

Unfortunately, that lesson seems to have flown completely over your head, the same way most other things do.

Palin Says: Well Lottie, I am just relieved to be cleared of any wrong doing or any hint of unethical behavior or moose hunting there. And with President elect John McCain, I know that bloggers with any idea that I have no idea what I am talking about will be Palinated. Also I know that all gays also should be wiped off the face of the earth. Or at least gay marriage. OOPS! And President elect John McCain and I will also go around at night in black clothes and in a moving van, and steal- ooohh, I mean taking your children to have some fun with automatic weapons and I. And why not, if McCain gets his way, they will be in Iraq right after high school anyway?!………….Moose, Kill,Reform, Maverick John McCain, obsessed, me, stupid, politics, not good at, brain dead, I am, -1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 IQ, me are.

Lottie: As you can see, well you can see!

Lottie gave me permission to quote her from One more thing: Palin blames bloggers.

November 10, 2008

OH NO NOT AGAIN!

Filed under: Athiest,Humor,Joel Osteen Stuff,Religion — John @ 9:36 pm
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Sadly, Joel Osteen is at it again. Get ready for a very involved post. HUH:

This time he says that “You can not talk about your problems, have to talk TO your problems!” Ughh! He says something about a grain of sand and the ocean talking to each other. Here’s how it goes:

“…The Grain of sand said to the ocean, I don’t care how big you are, and how small I am, God put a purpose upon me, and no matter what you say, I will be bigger than you…” Feeling confused or Mind Boggled yet? “…The ocean got very mad at the little grain of sand, and washed over it. But the little sand didn’t care, he said, as long as god is with me I am safe. You gotta go back, You gotta go back, You gotta go back!” O.K. What’s this “You gotta go back thing?” Any way. “I hear people with arthritis saying My Arthritis is really acting up today. And I tell them to not talk about their problems,” What kinda drugs are you sucking in again? “Just like the little grain of sand said to the ocean you gotta, go back, You gotta go back, You gotta go back!” he says “I said to that person, just like the little grain of sand said to the ocean, You gotta go back, you gotta go back, you gotta go back! I also hear people saying that their addiction is getting worse and worse! And I say the same thing, you gotta go back you gotta go back, you gotta go back!”

“As long as you know that God has given you a purpose, and God is on your side, if you keep a positive attitude, anything in the world that happens to you is only temporary.” Dude, if people are in pain, let them be in pain. I thought that you were a Christian, and were supposed to comfort and help people who need it. Not tell them basically to suck it up, and pretend like it will go away when it may never will! But what would I expect from a, well, YOU! You are so whacked up!

And to learn more about this mindless Jesus drivel, check out “Joel Osteen’s Become a Better You”

😀

October 2, 2008

God, The Devil, And Bob

Filed under: Anamations,Humor,Movies,Promotions — John @ 7:58 pm
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WARNING:THIS POST IS ABOUT A SHOW I LIKE THAT IS PARODY OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH! SOME READERS MAY FIND IT OFFENSIVE!

When I went on a trip to see my dad in England, he introduced me to a legendary parody in my book. A DVD called “God, the Devil, and Bob” It is about God coming back with the devil, and the funny part about that is that, you would think that if the Devil and God were together, it would be nonstop fighting, but the funny thing is, that the devil and god have polite conversation walking down the street. And I got you a video off of youtube, just as a little sample of the hilarious parody, take a look:

There you have it. Now go through my link and it will bring you to a lot of other video options for God, The Devil, and Bob! 🙂


God, The Devil, and Bob

September 1, 2008

Hell Exists, I Went There For Lunch

Filed under: Humor — John @ 7:20 pm
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This happened about a month ago but I never blogged it.

Mom and I were going to have lunch at a small Mexican restaurant at the end of our street. And when we got there, two seats down from us was a wailing baby. We were there for about 45 minutes until the baby left. But it felt more like 2 or 3 hours as opposed to the actual 45 minutes. When we got in we ordered our food and it got there in about five minutes. We were eating for another five minutes when the baby stopped crying. I could have sworn I heard a sigh of relief but what did I know, my ears where ringing like crazy. But the short mute in the place didn’t last 30 seconds until the baby started up again.

And there was one point when I stood up and put my finger to my lips and went SHHHH! while staring at the baby. But my mom told me to sit back and down.

I was in true hell. And I kid you not at that point people were getting up and leaving with half eaten food plates and asking for their food to-go. Mom and I were mumbling to each other that they need to control their kid, they need to take it outside or leave or something. I then got up to get a gumball, I thought the chewing might tune out the crying or relieve me of my stress. And as I put the quarter in the machine The people with the shrieking baby left the restaurant, and I threw my hands in the air like you do when you’ve won a wresting match. And everybody laughed.

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